The End

Yup, ended it all. Couldn't stand the confusion no more. Did what I had to do. Did what's best for myself, for my own happiness. Yup, they think it's selfish. But sometimes, I need to make a decision in life without putting others before me for my own sake for once. I've been holding back and avoiding all this because I did not want to hurt anyone. But I have to stop this misery going on, for me, for min, for ka. Yup.

So since ka wanted my decision when he called me because he said he's been waiting too long and couldn't wait no more, I chose to leave him. I can't trust him still, after months. He breaks his promises. He lies. He hides things from me. He always pisses me off. Yup, had to do this. It's the right thing. I've been doubting us ever since months ago, knew this would happen some day, knew we weren't meant to be, but kept hanging on because I didn't wanna be a meanie. I pitied him, yes I did. But I can't live this lie any longer, ending it was the only thing left to do.

As for min, made it clear to him. Told him not to pursue me because I do not love him in that way. I know he loves me and cares for me and all, but think again. He's just a friend to me, nothing more. Bestfriend maybe, but yup that's all. Plus, he will not be able to make me happy. His life is just a lie, he's wasting his life away. He's on probation, he steals everything, he never has money, he's selfish towards his own bros. All that I've heard from his bros, made me realise that he won't be able to support me because he can't even support himself.

But yet, both of them over reacted. Both of them threw tantrums on twitter and both just hated me I guess. I know what I did was wrong, I accept the fact that I am fully responsible and I am the only one at fault. I know I broke their hearts. But hey, I still have to do what's right for myself rather than continue living a lie with them both as I have done so the past few months right? Yup, I'm a stupid idiot mother fucking bitch, I know. But they really didn't have to rub it in and make me feel like a zillion times worse than I already am. Ugh!

I don't even know what to think or feel any more. I am just at such a lost. My thoughts are seriously all over the place. My life is so fucking messed up right now, I can't even..

I skipped school 4 times this week. That's 4 out of 5 classes! Okay technically 3 because I partial class for one of them and fully skipped 3. But to me, partial is the same as skipping because I'm gonna get sucky grades and I didn't learn anything and I wasn't present in class so yup. That's a 4. I don't even know what's wrong with me. This is affecting me so much. I have never liked skipping classes but it's all I ever wanna do these days. Really unexpected. I don't even understand love. How can I even think that I was in love? What a fool.

But I'm thankful for the friends who have given me the laughters these past few days and who cares to listen and help me out. I'm grateful for them to even be around. Especially my best girl who's been there for me right from the start, I can't thank her enough :')

Ini semua sudah tentu hanyalah cobaan daripada Allah SWT untuk menguji kesabaranku pada bulan Ramadhan ini. Insya'Allah aku akan atasi semua ini dan Allah SWT akan memberiku cukup kekuatan untuk mengahadapi segala cobaanNya. Amin Ya'Rabbi Al'Amin.

The most important person in my life.

Today I wasted my day away yet I loved it.

My bestest decided to spend the day with me to make me feel better, so we skipped school.
Despite it being a day that my HIS UT2 falls on, I couldn't care less about school. Why? I'm facing too much stress right now and I'm an emotional wreck. I was going to screw up the practical exam anyways, so fuck it.

Wore quite a lot of concealer and geeks to cover up my swollen eyes from last night.

Mac breakfast, took our MCs from choa chu kang's polyclinic, collected her pay cheques from McPherson Road, Mac for early dinner, all the heart to heart talk the whole day. Yeap, sums up my awesome day spent with my best girl.

Guess all I need right now is some space. Time away from all these shit going on in my oh so complicated love life. All I need right now are distractions, laughters, anything to get my mind off these.

I still need to face this sooner or later because I have to solve this. I need to come to a decision.

Exactly a year ago, same thing. Was an emotional wreck because I got my heart broken for putting too much hope on Nas. And now, Ka and Min...
Ya Allah, adakah ini semua cobaan darimu untuk mencabar kesabaranku pada bulan Ramadhan ini?

Realised Ka could have been my rebound because if I recall correctly, I was not over Nas when Ka was contacting me.. And then I just went with the flow. Until Min came along..
Realised that if I really loved Ka, I wouldn't have fallen for Min..
Realised what a two faced douche Ka is..
Realised that I am not me when I'm with Ka..
Came to so many realisations today, I can't even..

I thank Allah for giving me friends who care enough to ask, and for giving me Nurul Amirah Binte Ahmad who is always here for me no matter what. She was here when I was at my lowest last year, and yet again she was here for me right now. I cannot thank her enough for everything, I love her so much for all that she has done for me.

I am not strong enough to face all these. Ya Allah, please give me strength and guide me through this.

I shall distance myself from both Ka and Min for now, let's just see how things go.. Good luck to me *shrugs*

Bestfriend VS Boyfriend

I have a boyfriend whom I love. Yet I also have a bestfriend whom I love.

Meeting ka has been one of the best things when we were dating. However somehow things got boring once we became official. It's like he doesn't do things that makes me feel extra special and loved everyday like he used to. The long text messages, the long calls at night, the surprising me under my block things, the many dates we had, the msn conversations and the webcamming sessions... Seemed to have all faded away. Now, it's just simple things day in and day out. Nothing special. Fights and arguments here and there. Doubting him at times, even. Sometimes I just can't seem to trust his words, I don't even know why. Of course occasionally he whips up some random things like buying me chocolates (which sometimes I don't even like but don't have the heart to say so), treating me to movies/meals, and flowers... But it's just, I feel like he's not making any more effort. Well, not as much as before. It's like what they say, something about once they've gotten the girl or something? Yeah whatever that is, something like that. It's like, he doesn't need to impress me or chase me any more since he has already gotten me, so he stopped doing all those that made me fell in the first place. Now it's just plain boring somehow.

On another note.....

Meeting min has also been one of the best things that has happened to me. He has always been there for me, he is the one that I tell my problems to. He knows me best. When I'm not feeling ok, even without me tweeting it he is aware. He notice every single thing about me. He even blames ka for quite a number of things that happened to me because he said ka didn't observe me enough to notice the little things or something like that even when I was fully at fault in those situations. He is too damn sweet to me. He sends me good morning and good night texts, he sometimes randomly rings me up just to hear my voice, he comes down to gombak at times, he ditches plans for me, he treats me to movies/meals, he always lets me sleep on his shoulder before/after work, he made me breakfast, he buys stuffs for me at times, and he just has really random yet really sweet surprises for me. He was really cheeky with me and he was just so cute. He would be all romantic with me even when it's wrong. When I wanted to go to batam, he bought me a carebear keychain and made me breakfast and wanted to fetch me from my block and send me to harbourfront but didn't cause mama sent me... That was just too sweet. And many of his thoughts are very sweet as well. He is such a gentleman and he treats me right like a man should. What happened between us these days have just made me miss him more. He is backing off from my life just to see me happy with ka. He doesn't understand that I need him, my bestfriend, to be here for me. He says that I don't need him at all and that I don't miss him, he doesn't believe me. But I do. Despite his feelings for me, he can still be by my side when I need him, can't he? I mean, he's been there all the time. Now who am I to run to with my problems?

Now ka is saying that he doesn't like my friendship with min, does he have no idea how important min is to me? I really can't lose him.

This is best girl's thought:
"I think right, min is like awesome ah and he really treats you right like hw a guy is supposed to treat his girlfriend. And hamka... You guys do stuff together and you make memories and i think you love the both of them bt you liked hamka first. and if hamka had treat you right, i bet you wouldnt have been feeling like this. so its hamka's fault, that he left you vulnerable to min's charms haha"

Here's the thing.
When I'm with min, I forget the world and have loads of fun and I'm fully myself around him. But I feel bad and I miss ka. But when I'm with ka, I keep thinking of min like I wish it was min sometimes.. I guess ami's right. Maybe if I had met min before I met ka, everything would be different. Maybe me and ka might not even happen at all. Sometimes I think about leaving ka because being with min seems better for me. The way min cares for me, the way min loves me, the way min thinks about me.. I mean, how would you feel if your boyfriend backstabs you? If he tells all his friends bad things about you and make them all think negatively about you and hate you when you did nothing? Yeah, sucks right? Exactly what ka did to me...... I can't even. This is why I still don't fully trust him even when we've been dating for like 8 months already. It's really hard when your boyfriend has this kind of attitude and he hides things from you....... Oh well.

I really am at a lost these days and I am very confused about my feelings, I have no idea what I am to do. But I try not to think about it all whenever I'm with ka these days, because I do not want him to worry. I miss min a lot though, been too long since I last met him, what more since I last spent quality time with him :(

I guess I love them both, but who is more important? Not sure. Both are equally as important? Maybe.

Life is unfair, but hey this is life. We just gotta learn to live with it no matter what, don't we all?