The End

Yup, ended it all. Couldn't stand the confusion no more. Did what I had to do. Did what's best for myself, for my own happiness. Yup, they think it's selfish. But sometimes, I need to make a decision in life without putting others before me for my own sake for once. I've been holding back and avoiding all this because I did not want to hurt anyone. But I have to stop this misery going on, for me, for min, for ka. Yup.

So since ka wanted my decision when he called me because he said he's been waiting too long and couldn't wait no more, I chose to leave him. I can't trust him still, after months. He breaks his promises. He lies. He hides things from me. He always pisses me off. Yup, had to do this. It's the right thing. I've been doubting us ever since months ago, knew this would happen some day, knew we weren't meant to be, but kept hanging on because I didn't wanna be a meanie. I pitied him, yes I did. But I can't live this lie any longer, ending it was the only thing left to do.

As for min, made it clear to him. Told him not to pursue me because I do not love him in that way. I know he loves me and cares for me and all, but think again. He's just a friend to me, nothing more. Bestfriend maybe, but yup that's all. Plus, he will not be able to make me happy. His life is just a lie, he's wasting his life away. He's on probation, he steals everything, he never has money, he's selfish towards his own bros. All that I've heard from his bros, made me realise that he won't be able to support me because he can't even support himself.

But yet, both of them over reacted. Both of them threw tantrums on twitter and both just hated me I guess. I know what I did was wrong, I accept the fact that I am fully responsible and I am the only one at fault. I know I broke their hearts. But hey, I still have to do what's right for myself rather than continue living a lie with them both as I have done so the past few months right? Yup, I'm a stupid idiot mother fucking bitch, I know. But they really didn't have to rub it in and make me feel like a zillion times worse than I already am. Ugh!

I don't even know what to think or feel any more. I am just at such a lost. My thoughts are seriously all over the place. My life is so fucking messed up right now, I can't even..

I skipped school 4 times this week. That's 4 out of 5 classes! Okay technically 3 because I partial class for one of them and fully skipped 3. But to me, partial is the same as skipping because I'm gonna get sucky grades and I didn't learn anything and I wasn't present in class so yup. That's a 4. I don't even know what's wrong with me. This is affecting me so much. I have never liked skipping classes but it's all I ever wanna do these days. Really unexpected. I don't even understand love. How can I even think that I was in love? What a fool.

But I'm thankful for the friends who have given me the laughters these past few days and who cares to listen and help me out. I'm grateful for them to even be around. Especially my best girl who's been there for me right from the start, I can't thank her enough :')

Ini semua sudah tentu hanyalah cobaan daripada Allah SWT untuk menguji kesabaranku pada bulan Ramadhan ini. Insya'Allah aku akan atasi semua ini dan Allah SWT akan memberiku cukup kekuatan untuk mengahadapi segala cobaanNya. Amin Ya'Rabbi Al'Amin.