Lonely & Unwanted

Have you ever felt so alone despite being surrounded by a whole lot of people, even friends?

Yeap, that's me every single day. No matter who I'm with, I will always feel alone. Nobody makes me feel appreciated, nobody shows me that they care, nobody I tell you. It's like, I'm always the last option for everyone or something. I'm never anyone's first option, never a priority. I need that, I need to know that I am loved and cared for, that I am actually important in someone's life. But no. I always feel so, unwanted yknow? Nobody will look for me, nobody really needs me around. All I ask for is to be wanted, that my presence makes a difference. Is that really too much to ask for?

It just aches so fucking bad.
Someone needs to just treat me right, I really need it now more than ever. Just pamper me and make me feel happy.

A favour? Kill me.

Chalet with the clique was totally boring except for when everyone was drinking and drunk.

One thing I hate about myself? Probably the fact that I am totally kinky once I'm drunk. I know it's stupid but I can't help myself. (Although I actually love this fact because I am honestly really kinky but I just don't show it to my friends. But being drunk makes me open and so I just hate it because of how people view/think of me because of this.)

But I swear last night was the best out of all, I have to admit that B was great! He totally knows his way around. It felt too good that I was too loud and now the whole chalet knows and it's awkward. But fuck it, I'll just pretend like I forgot what happened if any of them bros decides to ask me. I'm pretty glad that we talked it out and we're both fine. Wouldn't want what happened to make things awkward between good friends huh.

I just don't know how I'm to face my best friend right now, she seems pretty mad. And to think that H was the first one to hear my moans and tell the rest, to think that he thought I had sex with B and that he is affected by it.... Makes me wonder if he still have some sort of feelings for me despite always showing that he doesn't. I still miss him and think about him sometimes, I admit I still kinda like him. It kills me to know this. And I still have no idea what was his reason(s) for leaving me.. Ugh! Dammit what am I to do? I am such a disgrace and sadly a disgust, sigh. I hate myself, someone please just help me out here. Shoot me. Now.

Two faced hypocrites

Honestly, everyone on Earth is bound to be two-faced. One way or another.
Even myself, I have to admit.

But those that I face on a daily basis, some are just really unexpected. How they can go on pretending like we're on good terms with each other and acting like we're good friends and such..... When in fact I came to find out that they are badmouthing me behind my back and gossiping like there's no tomorrow. I mean, sure I have my bad points and I've made a couple of mistakes here and there. But hey, who are you to judge me? I live my life the way I want to and I have learnt my lessons from the mistakes that I have made. You are all in no position to judge me because none of you understand how life is for me. Unless you were in my shoes going through what I went though, then sure go ahead and speak your mind. If not? Just shut the fuck up and mind your own fucking business. I never bothered any of you so why bother me with all your nonsensical attitudes? Ugh! Oh how I hate people.

Stronger? Definitely.

I think the first few months have gone pretty well for me.

I've become stronger emotionally on many levels. I've learnt not to care as much.

Not contacting any guys at all may suck because I tend to feel lonely sometimes yknow, I mean who doesn't right? But at least I know I'm doing fine without them. Random guys here and there is usual, but it's pretty saddening that I can't get any guy yknow I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. But I have learnt to keep looking on the brighter side. I have friends (though not many) who brighten up my life and make me look forward to tomorrow (well not all the time but better than nothing). I have come to realize that we don't always get what we want in life. It's just how it is. I'm not ugly and I'm not physically challenged in any way (except being a lil short haha) so I should be thankful for my imperfections are perfect enough for me. We all have to learn how to love ourselves before others can love us, am I right? Facts.

I don't have much in life at this point right now, I know. But feeling all sad and emotional about it? Ranting all the god damn time about how much my life sucks? Well fuck it, ain't nobody got time for that shit! Just gotta learn to live with it.

I feel lonely 24/7, yes. Despite being surrounded with family/friends, I still feel so alone. Sometimes I just feel pretty much left out, well most of the time actually. Sometimes I wonder, is it just me? Or do people really dislike me?

Let's not talk about my academics ya, I just really hope I won't have to repeat any modules.

I'm really more than happy that my relationship with H has gotten better, we're back to friends now which is better than nothing for me even if he doesn't care. And as for R, we're just on and off I guess. Who cares. I've learnt not to get my feelings involved with boys right now. I'm just having fun flirting around, heh! ;)

I'm successfully quitting smoking, slowly but surely! As for drinking, I really don't know. Pretty much on and off yeah! Situational yknow? I wanna try weed and laughing gas though, and I wanna get real wasted like really drunk. Clubbing? Yeah maybe once or twice, hope I won't get hooked on it though.

Dyou know that I laughed (ok more of giggled/chuckled or something) during my first experience with an actual ____? Yeah it was funny to me, i don't even know why. Oh well I'm just weird like that. At least he laughed too. *shrugs*

So I guess I'm coping well with trying to appreciate my life the way it is. Grateful for everyone and everything, just simply thankful.