Ink me up

Honestly love tattoos!!!! They are so hot and sexy, I can't even. Always am so tempted to get inked myself but there's just too much thoughts about it which stresses me out, ugh.

1) Religion. Being a Muslim, it is a huge sin. They say that the grave will not accept our bodies if it is not as it was given to us by God. Of course right now I'm thinking "Oh I don't care" "Hey I'm not religious one bit" "I am responsible for my own sins" etc but I'm just afraid that one day in the future I'm gonna regret it when I am ready to repent.

2) Family & Friends. Everyone will fucking kill me if they find out that I inked myself, that's a definite! Family-wise, I would obviously die. No questions asked. Friends, they'll probably be super disappointed/ mad/ or give stupid remarks like "You're an idiot" "Such a waste" "You're gonna regret" "It's gonna look ugly when you grow old" "What were you thinking when you decided to inflict pain on yourself and create permanent damage to your once beautiful skin" etc. Oh my it could even be worse!

3) Work. I'm not so sure about my future but based on where I currently am at, I think I'm most likely to stay in the hospitality industry. Because of this, tattoos and piercings are going to be a huge problem! (WHICH SUCKS BIG TIME BECAUSE I LOVE THEM) Well, the industry IS really strict in terms of grooming standards. But I can get them at hidden places which will be covered by my uniform ;-)

4) What and Where? Thinking of the ideal perfect part of my body to ink is one of the hardest because I have so many things to consider (able to hide easily, the pain, and most importantly is if it's sexy. I mean I wouldn't wanna have an ink on a redundant spot where it's gonna be awkward or whatever hah). Thinking of the design/ phrases/ fonts/ colours are all totally a challenge because I will need to pick something perfect so that I will not regret it in the near future to come. I guess this is the shittiest factor of all since it plays the most important part! Dammit.

One day, I'm telling you. One fucking fine ass day.

ANGST AND RAGE

EVERY FUCKING SOUL IS GETTING ON MY LAST NERVES RIGHT NOW. SO PISSED I CAN'T EVEN. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

NOBODY CARES. I AM FUCKING INSIGNIFICANT. WHEN DID I EVER MATTER TO ANY FUCKING ONE? ALWAYS THERE FOR EVERYONE BUT IN TIMES WHEN I'M IN NEED NOBODY IS FUCKING AVAILABLE TO EVEN HEAR ME OUT. I MEAN HELLO I AM NOT ASKING FOR MUCH. IS IT TOO HARD TO SIMPLY BOTHER?! AM I THAT INVISIBLE? DO I FUCKING MEAN NOTHING TO ALL OF YOU? CAN'T YOU JUST FUCKING BE THERE? I MEAN SERIOUSLY??????

I USED TO OPEN UP SO EASILY AND SIMPLY TO ALMOST ANYONE BUT NOW NOBODY GIVE A FLYING FUCK NOT EVEN THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE WOW. WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT?! THE ONLY PERSON I'M WILLING TO OPEN UP TO ISN'T EVEN WILLING TO LISTEN. HOW PATHETIC AM I?! APPARENTLY MY SHIT DON'T MATTER HUH? IT'S LIKE I CAN DISAPPEAR FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH RIGHT NOW AND NOBODY GIVES A SHIT LIKE FUCK YOU!!!!!!

JUST DON'T FUCKING BOTHER ANYMORE OK, HONESTLY. JUST FUCKING DON'T.

IT'S PROBABLY TIME FOR ME TO BUILD UP THEM WALLS AND SHUT THE FUCKING WORLD OUT. I SHOULD FUCKING GO MISSING IN ACTION.

I NEED TO INFLICT PAIN ON MYSELF SO BADLY RIGHT NOW BUT I DON'T WANT TO REGRET. WHICH MEANS I NEED TO INFLICT PAIN THAT WILL MEAN SOMETHING. PIERCINGS AND TATTOOS COUNT OK. I NEED THEM. I NOW IT'S STUPID THAT I TURN TO THESE BUT HEY AT LEAST THEY MAKE ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER WHENEVER I FEEL SO FUCKING SHITTY AND THEY'RE PRETTY HOT! DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT WASTE OF MONEY OR RELIGION OR WHATEVER SHIT LA I SWEAR I WILL FUCK YOU UP IF YOU DO SO.

JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND LET ME DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. I HATE ALL OF YOU!!! I NEED A DRINK OR TWO.

What is school?

(my fav girls right now)

So it's already the semester break!

No more travelling to Woodlands every god damn day. No more dreading to go to school. No more Problem Statement, PDT, Worksheet, PPT, 6P, RR, UT. No more shitty school food. No more RP. No more slacking after school (or during). No more meeting all my friends daily. Wait........

This started out being a happy thing! Now I'm sad knowing I'll be leaving all my dearest friends :-(
Well, friends come and go! That's what they say...

And it all went by a little too quick huh. Three whole years. Just like that. Gone. It's over. Never thought this moment would come this fast. I am honestly going to miss every single bit of school. I don't want to grow old just yet! But sadly, the reality is, my work life is beginning in exactly two weeks. Wow?

Anyways, my birthday is pretty shitty. I mean, all I ever wanted was helium balloons (which I got NONE) and receiving presents from many. Sigh, when will I ever be getting an awesome birthday? Never did, never will. Sucks to be me? Yeah. At least I managed to spend the day with my loved ones.

Don't get me started on my love life. UGH!!!!! I feel so....... unwanted, unloved, undesired, (every negative word there is to describe me) omfg I hate myself.

Senior Year

Holidays are coming to an end in a blink of an eye. Just like that *snaps* and two months have gone by in a flash. Flashbacks (good and bad) are replaying like a movie in my mind.

To start the new school year, I would like to have a change of attitude.
- Be on time for lessons (barely did so last year)
- No more skipping classes for the fun of it (unless with reasonable reason)
- Pay attention and participate more in class
- Put in more effort into my RJs and UTs
- Achieve better daily grades and of course UT grades

But let's review these after a few weeks perhaps? Because I've always said them but never really accomplish them. We'll see my progress this semester...

It's interesting that many Unitians are joining the RP family including my dear ones (Nadra, Amalina, Lyyanna, Izyan, Ili) I can't wait to see them around campus!

Wish me luck for my last semester in school :) xx

Keep it simple

A night out with mum and the best girl was really nice! Mustafa Centre -> Adam Road -> West Coast Park til dawn. It was something new to be spending the night sitting under the stars and talking about everything with best girl while mum was busy drinking with her friends. With best girl spending the day at my house after that as well, it may be simple and seemed like nothing to others but I really had fun. She's really the only one who has seen me at my worst and knows every single thing about me (and my family). Words can never express my love for this best girl of mine who will always have my back no matter what. I don't know what I'd do without her in my life. It's why I treasure moments like this, oh hell I treasure every single moment with her!

YOLO at its best? Probably worst.

Last Thursday night (malam Jumaat) was one of the YOLO-est night ever.

I've been spending a lot of time with this group of boys from my neighborhood (Bukit Gombak) that week. So that night was one of the few that we spent slacking together overnight. But we got bored and they decided to start exploring here and there. Which we then ended up walking through Brickland Road (which was quite known supernaturally) at freaking three in the morning, so I was really reluctant but I had to go through with it anyways because they didn't give me a chance. Yes I was scared, but the boys were acting all stupid I was basically laughing the whole way! Upon reaching the end of the road, we continued walking down towards one of the playgrounds in CCK. After slacking around, the boys decided to walk back through the forest route instead of the road. I found this ridiculous! I tried many a time to talk them out of it but I had no chance against them. With the heaviest heart, I went through it with them.

The dark, spooky and strangely quiet forest was nowhere close to where I thought I'd be in my life, ever!

I was ALWAYS holding one of their hands and my eyes were always set to look down on the path and nowhere else. I didn't dare to look at or into the forest, no matter what. We had obstacles such as frogs, snakes, huge spider webs, and the worst of it all........ A huge tree that has fallen and covered our path! This left us with no other options but to climb down into the huge disgustingly muddy drain. With "things" looking at us from everywhere around, it creeps the crap out of me! At the end of it all, we made it out after an hour of occasional screams from me. I guess it was weirdly fun but I will never ever do that again! Putting my life at risk (supernaturally and physically) and then getting grounded for it. Hah! But I guess this is the best impromptu lepak+bonding+adventure session that I will never forget thus it was definitely worth it :')

Lonely & Unwanted

Have you ever felt so alone despite being surrounded by a whole lot of people, even friends?

Yeap, that's me every single day. No matter who I'm with, I will always feel alone. Nobody makes me feel appreciated, nobody shows me that they care, nobody I tell you. It's like, I'm always the last option for everyone or something. I'm never anyone's first option, never a priority. I need that, I need to know that I am loved and cared for, that I am actually important in someone's life. But no. I always feel so, unwanted yknow? Nobody will look for me, nobody really needs me around. All I ask for is to be wanted, that my presence makes a difference. Is that really too much to ask for?

It just aches so fucking bad.
Someone needs to just treat me right, I really need it now more than ever. Just pamper me and make me feel happy.

A favour? Kill me.

Chalet with the clique was totally boring except for when everyone was drinking and drunk.

One thing I hate about myself? Probably the fact that I am totally kinky once I'm drunk. I know it's stupid but I can't help myself. (Although I actually love this fact because I am honestly really kinky but I just don't show it to my friends. But being drunk makes me open and so I just hate it because of how people view/think of me because of this.)

But I swear last night was the best out of all, I have to admit that B was great! He totally knows his way around. It felt too good that I was too loud and now the whole chalet knows and it's awkward. But fuck it, I'll just pretend like I forgot what happened if any of them bros decides to ask me. I'm pretty glad that we talked it out and we're both fine. Wouldn't want what happened to make things awkward between good friends huh.

I just don't know how I'm to face my best friend right now, she seems pretty mad. And to think that H was the first one to hear my moans and tell the rest, to think that he thought I had sex with B and that he is affected by it.... Makes me wonder if he still have some sort of feelings for me despite always showing that he doesn't. I still miss him and think about him sometimes, I admit I still kinda like him. It kills me to know this. And I still have no idea what was his reason(s) for leaving me.. Ugh! Dammit what am I to do? I am such a disgrace and sadly a disgust, sigh. I hate myself, someone please just help me out here. Shoot me. Now.

Two faced hypocrites

Honestly, everyone on Earth is bound to be two-faced. One way or another.
Even myself, I have to admit.

But those that I face on a daily basis, some are just really unexpected. How they can go on pretending like we're on good terms with each other and acting like we're good friends and such..... When in fact I came to find out that they are badmouthing me behind my back and gossiping like there's no tomorrow. I mean, sure I have my bad points and I've made a couple of mistakes here and there. But hey, who are you to judge me? I live my life the way I want to and I have learnt my lessons from the mistakes that I have made. You are all in no position to judge me because none of you understand how life is for me. Unless you were in my shoes going through what I went though, then sure go ahead and speak your mind. If not? Just shut the fuck up and mind your own fucking business. I never bothered any of you so why bother me with all your nonsensical attitudes? Ugh! Oh how I hate people.

Stronger? Definitely.

I think the first few months have gone pretty well for me.

I've become stronger emotionally on many levels. I've learnt not to care as much.

Not contacting any guys at all may suck because I tend to feel lonely sometimes yknow, I mean who doesn't right? But at least I know I'm doing fine without them. Random guys here and there is usual, but it's pretty saddening that I can't get any guy yknow I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. But I have learnt to keep looking on the brighter side. I have friends (though not many) who brighten up my life and make me look forward to tomorrow (well not all the time but better than nothing). I have come to realize that we don't always get what we want in life. It's just how it is. I'm not ugly and I'm not physically challenged in any way (except being a lil short haha) so I should be thankful for my imperfections are perfect enough for me. We all have to learn how to love ourselves before others can love us, am I right? Facts.

I don't have much in life at this point right now, I know. But feeling all sad and emotional about it? Ranting all the god damn time about how much my life sucks? Well fuck it, ain't nobody got time for that shit! Just gotta learn to live with it.

I feel lonely 24/7, yes. Despite being surrounded with family/friends, I still feel so alone. Sometimes I just feel pretty much left out, well most of the time actually. Sometimes I wonder, is it just me? Or do people really dislike me?

Let's not talk about my academics ya, I just really hope I won't have to repeat any modules.

I'm really more than happy that my relationship with H has gotten better, we're back to friends now which is better than nothing for me even if he doesn't care. And as for R, we're just on and off I guess. Who cares. I've learnt not to get my feelings involved with boys right now. I'm just having fun flirting around, heh! ;)

I'm successfully quitting smoking, slowly but surely! As for drinking, I really don't know. Pretty much on and off yeah! Situational yknow? I wanna try weed and laughing gas though, and I wanna get real wasted like really drunk. Clubbing? Yeah maybe once or twice, hope I won't get hooked on it though.

Dyou know that I laughed (ok more of giggled/chuckled or something) during my first experience with an actual ____? Yeah it was funny to me, i don't even know why. Oh well I'm just weird like that. At least he laughed too. *shrugs*

So I guess I'm coping well with trying to appreciate my life the way it is. Grateful for everyone and everything, just simply thankful.

Hello 2013, Goodbye 2012

A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you! (though I doubt I have readers, hah)

Wow didn't the year just flew by?

Well, 2012 was a roller coaster ride. It was a year of many "firsts".
Hamka and all the "firsts" we had together. The hoo-haa with the love triangle shit. Became a heavy smoker. Started drinking. Piercing my navel. Dating friends(which didn't end well). The flings. Kissing girls. Tonning without my parents's permission and getting fucked. Shop lifting. The drama at Perth. Court. Criminal record. Losing many friends. At the same time making some new friends. Picked up skating and actually owning a skateboard and a penny board. Flirting around. Working kendarat (team Club Jazz ftw). Shisha. Going home past midnight. And I suppose many more that I probably can't remember. I mean, it HAS been a whole damn year.

Of course I have learnt my mistake and shop lifting is a huge no no for me now. (many don't realise what a vast difference it is between stealing and shop lifting) And I have successfully cut down a whole lot on smoking! (cannot hide how proud I am of myself)

I'm glad that throughout everything, Ami was with me the whole way. Can never be thankful enough for my bestest girl. I hope we will be bestfriends forever. (cliche much hehe but I mean it)

I realise I get too attached easily. It happened with H and now I'm afraid it's happening with R (this really cute guy I just met). I am a naive girl who easily fall for sweet words. No matter the countless times I keep reminding myself that actions speaks louder than words. I keep allowing people to make use of me, why? Am I a toy? Maybe I expect too much and then disappoint myself. The heartbreaks? Maybe I brought them upon myself. Maybe the blame is on me after all.

Well, I just really hope this time it's different. I really really like R and I hope he's not playing me. Please don't make me fall if you don't have the intentions of catching me, I beg of you. Please don't lead me on if you're not serious. And most of all please let me be the only girl.... I hope he isn't the kind who gets pissed off and annoyed at every little thing, like H. If that's the case, I'm gonna suffer for sure. I'm going to put in effort and I will do my best to work this out with R. I hope he puts in the effort too! Ugh I don't get why I'm so into skater boys when their number one passion and priority is skate. Life is hard for me huh? Boohoo, suck it up bitch!

I usually spend new years with my family. It was only last year that I spent it out with Hamka and having our first kiss at midnight right under the fireworks over at Marina. This year, my friends went to Siloso Beach Party and also town to ton. I was invited but.... I feel like I'm left out as usual, I didn't wanna go and be all awkward. I was afraid. Plus, I wasn't sure my parents were gonna allow that. Hah! So I spent it tonning with my family instead, just a nice time in the comfort of home. Oh well *shrugs* Better luck this year!

All the best to me then, xx

Let's catch up!

Love life? Forget it all.
Fuck H for being such a jerk to have left me hanging after everything we've been through. The sacrifices I've made for him, the effort I've put in for us, the amount of care I've given him. I cannot express how angry and broken I am. Now he treats me like a stranger, which sucks. Big time, ugh. My ear piece is still with him though, pfft. Forget it. It will take forever if I want to rant every single thing about him, so maybe next time. Nah, don't even bother.

Social life?
I don't even know. My clique? Seems to be leaving me out a lot. I feel like such a loner most of the time. No close friends in class or even outside. Some times I wonder what I have done to deserve this. Of course I have Ami but I feel like people accept her more than me. She's way prettier and people think she's cute because she's a bimbo. Plus she is always dressed up with perfect make up and bla bla bla. While I'm just...... Me.

School?
Well classes have always sucked because I don't have much friends since we change classmates everyday.... Lunch is always a dread because many a time I will be alone. It sucks. After school all Ami wants to do is lepak with the boys and I find it too boring that I'd just rather go home alone early. My results isn't that satisfying as well..... Oh just kill me already. Been having curfews as well, ugh! UT1 results were not bad I guess, at least I passed every module. You know, despite not studying for any of them and missing out on too many classes.... Not bad, I suppose. Oh did I mention? My parents totally fucked me up when they received the letter from school that I skipped almost ten classes. Yeah, life sucks. Who cares, no biggy!