Clique's Chalet

"Whatever happened in the chalet, stays in the chalet." - Haziq

Met Ziq at 7pm on Tuesday night at Woodlands and we took 168 to Tampines. We then did some grocery shopping which was annoying because he made me carry all the things but funny as well cause he's such a joker. Then we took 29 to head to Aloha Changi but got lost half way haha not funny sia in the middle of the night somewhere surrounded by forests hais! Thank God we managed to find our way, though i dropped my phone twice. Isk, Mil and Nick fetched us from downhill too! (Y) 

CHALET WAS FUCKING HUGE. 

So we lepaked, had dinner, then DRINK! I didn't get drunk and no where near high, unfortunately :( 

But the rest, HAHAHA. One by one, gonecase. Syamil was the most entertaining and Haziq was the cutest. I helped to take care of Haziq, weren't much sober people to help take care of the drunkards. I like the fact that me and Haziq made out a hell lot that night and I had a lot of fun, totally enjoyed every bit of it :') til morning sia, we shared a single bed teehee. Both of us couldn't sleep til it was fucking 9 in the morning though -.- I fell asleep and woke up at 11am and he was missing haha. So I went out and had my shower.

We all just slacked in the chalet that day before heading out to White Sands with some of them to buy all the things forour BBQ that night. Haziq so cute wanted to treat me sushi and drink hahahais but I rejected la :') Then we all cabbed back to the chalet and I swear the ride was so hilarious because the uncle damn kecoh and Haziq layan HAHAHA. 

Well, BBQ was nice and we were all just having fun chilling and all. But then Lisa's mum had to be a fucking spoiler and ruined everything. Created a fucking scene and threw away our fucking beer and liquor like WTF. I mean, it's ok if she wants to scold us, shout at us, curse us and what not. That, we can accept. But fucking ruining our property, wasting our fucking $50 on the UNOPENED alcohol, cursing our generations to come? FUCK YOU. Don't blame us, blame yourself for raising her that way bitch. She totally ruined our night. Everyone lost their mood after that but got better soon after some hanging out. We then decided to go to Changi Village past midnight, just to take a walk. I like the fact that Haziq held my hand despite the fact that everyone was there and could see :') We then walked to Changi Jetty and sat there for a while before walking back to the chalet. Me and Haziq of course had our making out session again that night, teehee ^.^ This time he took it a little bit further, gosh are we both kinky and naughty :B

We then went to join the rest at about 5am, well I mean those who were still up. After chilling for a bit, having fun, playing chubby bunny, and watching Haziq and Acap diturbing Ken while he was sleeping, laughing too much, we decided to go down to the kitchen. Jimmy cooked us some breakfast, we ate and the boys made a DIY shisha using a bottle, some coke, lighter and cigarettes. I swear it was real cool beyond words! Hahaha. Then everyone went to bed so me and Jimmy did some singing! Hehe, I went to bathe at 8am and then everyone kecoh wake up cause the lady came. Everyone was like rushing here and there, was cute and funny though! :') So I was just helping to clean the chalet since I was one of the first few ones ready. 

We checked out around 11am and took the bus to Tampines. I wanted to sit beside Haziq but I was afraid he didn't want to so I went to sit beside Amirah. We had brunch at Mac, well some of them. Me and Haziq didn't eat at all cause we were out of cash, hah. Did I mention I helped Haziq pay for the chalet? Yeah :/ 

We then took 168 back to Woodlands and I sat with Juliani, we talked and listened to songs. 

Me, Haziq, Juliani, Amirah and Muhaimin decided to catch Sinister at the movies but I paid for Haziq, meh. The show was really scary, and I think Haziq was super cute! He lent me his jacket btw. And he kept covering his eyes during the scary parts, hahaha. Both of us were like hiding at point of times and we kept cursing out vulgarities whenever it was really super scary. Once, the suspense was too much we both hit our heads against each other! :') HAHAHAHA. After the movie, everyone went home. But me and Juliani decided to sit and have a heart to heart talk. So we talked for hours and ranted out to each other. Seems like I'm telling her more than I'm telling Amirah. Well, some things I'm just afraid of telling Amirah and Juliani is able to understand more because she's going through more or less the same thing.. 

Perth, Western Australia

Mama and Papa sent me. 10pm at airport.
Flight was at 1am. Nice flight, watched movies and had a nice meal before touching down in Perth at around 6am.

We did some grocery shopping and mini shopping around this little mall before checking into our chalets at Orchard Glory Farm Resort. We then had lunch before heading to Lancelin for some awesome sand boarding. The sand dunes were real high and steep, the experience really was scary yet super fun! Lastly, we had some dinner before going back for a shower. Chalet mates were Juliani, Atikah, Audrey and Carol. After showering and completing whatever tasks given to us, we all just slacked around. After our supper at midnight, my chalet mates and I decided to sneak out and enjoy some stargazing by the lake despite the freezing cold weather. The view was so beautiful, breathtaking, marvelous and spectacular, I was so in awe and my jaw dropped. I was practically in love, just sat on the grass patch and admired the stars. Really couldn't believe how lucky I was to be able to see such a sight.

Left the farmstay for the city! But before that, we stopped by at the nougat and chocolate factory for some free samples and buy some awesome yummy ones for ourselves! Shopping at Hay Street, I was dumb enough to get caught shoplifting. Was questioned and brought to the police station for lock up. Scary shit I tell you, they then did some procedures and my facilitators bailed me out. However, I was required to attend court. The disappointments, the shocks, the looks I received, the talks behind my back. OH GOD. I understand and acknowledge my stupid mistake, but they are all not in any position to judge me. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE. Well, we then checked in at night and my apartment mates were Juliani and Atikah.

We visited some lovely adorable animals at the Caversham Wildlife Park! Koala bears, kangaroos, wombats, fox, and many more. All sorts of interesting animals back there! We then had lunch at Frementle. We were seated by the docks and we had some awesome real fresh fish and chips. The view was spectacular, I felt like I was in a movie. The portion was way too much though! Barely even ate half of it :') Shopping st Frementle Market was next but thanks to the stupid incident, I was stuck with Aishah the tour guide. However this is to my benefit because she knows the place well and she brought me around to see many awesome beautiful things that many of my friends did not get the chance to see. Dinner was fun as we (my apartment mates and I) played with the food and drinks after we were done. The "team halal" was fun too, since all the others went to have Chinese dinner. We then had a quick grocery shopping before heading back to the City Stay Apartment Hotel, although we were all way earlier than the others.

We visited Curtin University! It is such an awesome school, I am very much interested in pursuing my degree there. I wouldn't elaborate much on this because I know what I know and well, the future will take me where I have to go. We were then given a 5 hour shopping spree at Harbour Town. Of course yet again, I was stuck with Aishah. Got myself some pretty good deals! Aishah even treated me to Gelare ice cream and waffles! Yay :') We then had dinner near the Swan Bell Tower and by the sea, the view was just marvelous. Team Halal was rejoined again. Dinner was delicious, FINALLY. It was quite filling as well.

Court session from 8.30am - 12.30pm was such an experience. I was let off with a spent conviction and a fine of 625.70 Australian Dollars, which means it's close to 900 Singapore Dollars. I'm dead. Joined everyone for lunch at CROWN hotel, but barely ate. Felt so left out the past three days btw, was such a dang loner. Oh well, brought it upon myself I guess. Tour around the hotel and the casino, it was lovely and really jaw dropping. Our last stop was Kings Park, it was really beautiful. Felt like as though we were on a movie set, could not believe how perfect it all seemed :')

We then headed back to the airport and made our way safely back to Singapore, hooray! ^.^
Mama and Papa fetched me. 6.30am at the airport. Back home and slept the whole day away.

Spent the next day, which was Friday, with my darlings. Well, some of them. It was just a random lepak + smoke + drink session and we caught a movie (Taken 2) as well. Really enjoyed it, we then took the last train back as usual. Ah how much I've missed these times with them. Juliani ton over at my crib to add on to that! We then had mac breakfast in the morning and lepak for a lil bit at guilin before I sent her to the mrt and went home to catch up on sleep. Spending time with the clique is always nice :')

Sunday worked kendarat with them clique and lepak at civic after. Smoke + drink session again, this time it was liquor and not beer :')

Btw, I now have friends with benefits. Interesting huh?

Well, I should complete my 1000 word essay and pack my bag for the clique's chalet! They're already on the way but I will be heading there at night with H :') Til next time! x

Impromptu plans

Yesterday was a nice impromptu date with mama! We had brunch at Hot Tomato and we went shopping at H&M :') It was really something different because we've never really done this, just me and her. I like it ^.^

Today was a very impromptu swimming session at Jurong East with Syaffy, Syamil, Ben, Amin, Muhaimin, Qusyairi and his bro Syazwan. It was really awesome and fun. Definitely the first time they've seen me so...... ugly. With no contacts and absolutely no make up at all. And flattened wet hair with no fringe. Yet we had the time of our lives, enjoying ourselves. It's nice to feel comfortable enough with a group of friends where you are not afraid to be yourself. We got screened by the police afterwards though, so random. Some of us then headed over to JCube for some sushi and mac. The boys then decided to chao cab to linkway where they'll meet the rest so they sent me home too on the way :') Such a nice day spent <3 p="">
Really thankful for my family and my friends. They have made my days before I'm flying off to Aussie tmr night. Well, until then! xx

Bestfriend & yellow jimmy

Coincidentally wore yellow tops, yellow watches and caps with jimmy the other day when we both hung out together while the rest were at town. All we did was slack in the library, but it was nice. The rest then came to meet us at around 9pm and we just enjoyed being ourselves slacking under the night sky. The boys being themselves of course stole some beer and got high. I think it was really adorable and entertaining how they were acting :') Being with them bros are just something I always look forward to because they bring joy to my life. Really appreciate them just being there because they bring colours to my life without even being aware of it, and that's what's great about it!

Ami then came over to my crib to ton, which was awesome! We stopped by Prime Supermarket and got ourselves free Ben&Jerry's ice cream, mama cooked some real yummy tom yum noodles for us, and we had cake too! We just spent the night talking and gossiping away, having fun being ourselves. We watched movies too! She was supposed to leave at 8am though but we both fell asleep so she ended up leaving at 1pm and was late for her project! Haha well, what's new coming from her right? ;) I'm missing her real bad right now cause she's away in Cambodia :( I've gotten too used to meeting her almost everyday, not being able to see her for 10 days is just pure torture. BEST GIRL NEEDS TO HURRY BACK HOME <3>

USS first date ♥

It was pretty impromptu and last minute, but it was one awesome day spent! It was my first date with G Suganthan, and it was also my very first trip to the one and only USS. Yes, I am finally no longer a USS virgin! :') We met at 9am and went to grab our brunch at vivo's subway. Had an enjoyable time at the park riding all the awesome extreme rides and taking pictures and stuff. I swear I feel like I've just accomplished life's mission upon conquering my fears and being the bravest girl on Earth to ride them roller coasters! The adrenaline rush I got from the rides, indescribable! When it rained, we got caught and wet! It was fun though ^.^ Also visited Kenny three times at work since he works at one of the stores in the park :)

We left the park at around 6.45pm and headed off to vivo to get our dinner. We ate at the rooftop and just slacked there. We talked about anything and everything under the night sky, the weather was perfect. It felt so nice I did not want to leave. I wanted to just stay all night with him and just talk. It's really nice to have a decent conversation for your first date, y'know? The fact that I can be myself around him since we've been friends for about a year now and we were classmates, it makes me feel comfortable. Well, I don't know where this will bring me but let's just go with the flow yeah?

Fuck

So I heard some stuff from the boys....

Apparently H is one huge motherfucking player with a huge motherfucking ego of like 10 boys combined. He isn't serious about me at all and he totally is just toying with me. I guess I don't really care for the fact that I'm not really having feelings for him. But it just annoys the shit out of me that he made me feel special. I am so gullible and naive to fall for his empty words.

I don't know what his ex did to him which fucked him up real bad, but I hate her for doing so because now he thinks it's okay to be fucking with girls around. Fuck him. Ugh, I'm so angsty right now I can't even..

But actually, I swear I don't mind just being friends with benefits with him. Or with any good looking guys for that matter. Because I am in no position to love. I am not ready for commitments, for a relationship. It takes too much effort and sacrifices, and it might not be worth the heart aches and the tears and the bickers and the sleepless nights. All I want is to have fun, to enjoy my teenage life as much as I can. I just need company, I want to flirt around, I want to just be wild, I want to get wasted, I want to be able to make out with anyone and not get into trouble for it. I do not want to be tied down and controlled and shit because of a relationship. Yes, all I want is freedom and fun. Fun fun fun fun fun. Fuck.

WHERE ALL 'EM BOYS AT? COME AT ME YO.

Kinky.

French kissing, grinding, finger fucking, neck biting/kissing, lip biting, ass grabbing, cuddling, locking fingers with each other.

Me likey. Thanks S and H :') Mmhmmmm dap dap *.*

So what's it to you?

Let's talk about my chubby bunny qt babyboy sayang :')

Well, I really have no idea what our relationship is. I mean... In front of our friends, we barely talk. I don't get why. But when he texts me, he's totally a different guy. Flirt maha flirt y'know! Which makes it hard for me to understand my feelings myself because he's giving me mixed signals. So last night he invited me over to his house....

Yeah, I went over to his crib earlier today. We spent about 2 hours together alone in his house. All I can say is, I LOVED IT. I mean, I like how we just slack there, we made out and stuff, and we just cuddled and watched cartoon and laugh and disturb each other. It was really nice. I hope this means something. But even if it doesn't, I don't mind. We could just be friends with benefits, maybe? I mean, if he doesn't want to pursue me as his future girlfriend I suppose. Well I just really enjoyed his company.

So I'm currently contacting H, yet at the same time some other boys. And it's to the extend where we're calling each other "baby", "darling", "love", "sayang" and the list goes on. Yes, these names with all them boys. Gosh, I am such a flirt huh? I feel like a slut :(
I don't get why I'm entertaining all of them. I don't understand myself, but I like it. I really do.

I just hope now H is gonna treat me a little better when we're around our friends rather than the cold shoulder treatment :/ I wonder what he thinks of me and I wonder what he feels about me. I wonder what is our relationship to him. I just wonder...

Let's get wasted

TEAM RURAL? Spending my time with them has always been such fun and excitement. The thrills I get with them because of the random things we do, the random heart to heart talks with some of them, the quality time spent together, the free entertainment I get ;) Haha, I can go on forever when it comes to them because I've been spending too much time with them. I like how they're a huge part of my life right now, I like how they are my bros that I know I can count on. One girl best friend is enough because too many girlfriends might cause a hell lot of chaos and hoo haa as I've learnt in the past 18 years of my life. But you can never have enough bros who will happily light up your world anytime you need them. I just love them boys such that words can never express ♥

WIGGLERS! ♥
So this has been our third chalet together so far. And as usual, it's fun yet at the same time some things happened. Well, I got wasted and drunk. That's one thing. Secondly, I made out with a hell lot of people. Heny, Adelia, Juliani. Yup I french kissed them girls. Who else you might ask? G Suganthan of course. We made out a hell lot of times during the drinking games, and we got high. When he took care of me, we ended up getting all kinky and naughty. So yes, we all know where this goes. And then he confessed so now I guess we're giving this a shot? Well, dating Sugi is one thing. But I still have some sort of feelings for Haziq as well. I'm such a mess right now. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I'm unsure of who I really want. I guess I'll just go with the flow, try not to put my hopes up for either of them, and see how things go? I'll see where contacting them both brings me. I just hope I won't end up breaking either of their heart, that's all I'm asking for. I don't really know if I'm ready for a relationship or any commitments for that matter, but I really want someone in my life whom I can call mine. Oh well.... Let's just see where life takes me :)

I gotta say I enjoy drinking, I love the feeling it gave me. I like how I get high, it's fun. I like how I get real kinky when I'm drunk too :') Hehehe. Getting wasted is awesome. So let's get wasted yo! Drink drink drink is all I want right now.

Legend of all camps in history!

Above is my lovely HOTEL FUZE IG committee members! So much memories, good and bad, has been made with them this past year. We organized the most unique and awesome camp ever in the history of school camps that we received many overwhelming positive feedbacks from our juniors, our fellow friends and even our facilitators/advisors! The praises we got for holding this successfully was uncountable and totally heart warming! Smiles were all over our faces while reading and listening to all these really good comments and compliments, it's really touching and nice after suffering and sacrificing so much in preparation. Despite having regrets and hating being in the committee at times due to the heavy load of commitments, responsibilities, duties, and "homeworks"... I guess sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it feels good too :')

Very soon indeed, it'll be time to welcome a whole new batch of committee members! This year's camp has totally awed and impressed everyone and it's a whole new name for fuze! However this raises the bars for the Year 1s to upkeep our reputation, let's hope they won't fail us! :) I'm excited to interview freshies to join our family! Hehe.

Life as it is.

Breaking up with Hamka? My best decision thus far! No regrets at all.

Loving my RURAL usuals! They are my temporary happiness. I just feel awesome whenever they're around, they make me happy. I like the way they influence me as well, although some may not be a good thing. But still. I think they're like the best group of people I've met in my life! I actually hope that our friendship will last for a very very long time. Can't wait for our jalan raya outing this 11th of september! Spending most of my time with them has been really awesome and I cannot thank them enough for the joy they bring to my life.

Bulatians? I don't even know what to say. I miss them so, they're my best group of friends from secondary school. But it feels like we're all falling apart. Can you believe the fact that we're not having a jalan raya outing this year?! This is a first. I hope we will still be able to make enough time for each other to at least meet up some time soon. I do not want this friendship of ours to break.

My chubby bunny qt dimpleboy tayang? Idk how we started, but he was already my eyecandy when I was still with Hamka. To think of it, we were already contacting even when I was still with Hamka too :/ Oopsy daisy? Well.. I look forward to his texts, no matter the time of the day. I look forward to seeing him, grabbing every opportunity there is. He's really shy when it comes to all these, but I hope we'll work things out. He makes my day everyday, he's cute, he's handsome, he's sweet, he's cool, he's a talented skater (which is a plus point because I cannot express how much I've had a thing for skaterboys since secondary school). I just hope he likes me. I mean, seems like he does but I'm not sure y'know. The usuals are teasing us and he isn't denying anything.. I hope this means something. We had a mini date on Sunday night. It was our first one on one meet up, and I have to say it was a little awkward because both of us were too shy. But I enjoyed it nonetheless because things slowly got better. His smile, his jokes, his childishness playing a fool, his teasing me, when his eyes meet mine..... OH GOD. You cannot imagine how twisted my insides were, butterflies everywhere! Stalking his instagram and his twitter has become a daily routine for me. Well, let's just go with the flow and hope things turn out good :') Though I'm unsure of my own feelings for him, and he definitely isn't sure of his too. Who knows what love is anyways at this age we're at? Just hoping for the best outcome! All I know is, he's always on my mind and I can't help but go gaga over him :/ Good or bad? I don't even know.

Oh yes, and I'm finally legal now. Though my 18th sucked terribly! Ugh. Super duper way worse than anything I've expected/experienced for a birthday. Princess didn't get her helium balloons, her crown, her anything princess related things, and any presents for that matter. Can you imagine? No presents for your 18th? Uh huh. Just an awesome DGK deck from Daddy, and some random stuffs from Ami Yami. That's all. Even my own parents and Ibu didn't give me anything. Life :')

Raya? WORST EVER. Had to wear slippers, my awesome baju raya has yet to arrive from Johor (yes up til now which is like the 3rd week of raya pfft), NO JALAN RAYA OUTINGS (not really but well, barely any).

UT? Haha don't get me started. My GPA is so going to drop a hell lot this semester and I'm ready to die. Mama's gonna kill the fuck out of me! Oh well.

Not forgetting, I'm actually starting to skate now. I mean, I know it's a little bit of a super late start..... I'm like already 18 for God's sake. But well, I've always wanted to try! But I never had the chance and I never had the guts to do so! Now that my usuals are pretty much all skaterboys, it's my chance! I've a penny board and a deck, both awesomely nice I'm in love with them :')

Well, now I'm not gonna get any sleep for 3 days because of Fuze Camp. I'm super pissed and annoyed because I'm fucking treated like a damn slave for this shit ass event and Qi En is making too much of a big deal out of this. I just hate it, so much I can't even! Ugh fucking hell.

The End

Yup, ended it all. Couldn't stand the confusion no more. Did what I had to do. Did what's best for myself, for my own happiness. Yup, they think it's selfish. But sometimes, I need to make a decision in life without putting others before me for my own sake for once. I've been holding back and avoiding all this because I did not want to hurt anyone. But I have to stop this misery going on, for me, for min, for ka. Yup.

So since ka wanted my decision when he called me because he said he's been waiting too long and couldn't wait no more, I chose to leave him. I can't trust him still, after months. He breaks his promises. He lies. He hides things from me. He always pisses me off. Yup, had to do this. It's the right thing. I've been doubting us ever since months ago, knew this would happen some day, knew we weren't meant to be, but kept hanging on because I didn't wanna be a meanie. I pitied him, yes I did. But I can't live this lie any longer, ending it was the only thing left to do.

As for min, made it clear to him. Told him not to pursue me because I do not love him in that way. I know he loves me and cares for me and all, but think again. He's just a friend to me, nothing more. Bestfriend maybe, but yup that's all. Plus, he will not be able to make me happy. His life is just a lie, he's wasting his life away. He's on probation, he steals everything, he never has money, he's selfish towards his own bros. All that I've heard from his bros, made me realise that he won't be able to support me because he can't even support himself.

But yet, both of them over reacted. Both of them threw tantrums on twitter and both just hated me I guess. I know what I did was wrong, I accept the fact that I am fully responsible and I am the only one at fault. I know I broke their hearts. But hey, I still have to do what's right for myself rather than continue living a lie with them both as I have done so the past few months right? Yup, I'm a stupid idiot mother fucking bitch, I know. But they really didn't have to rub it in and make me feel like a zillion times worse than I already am. Ugh!

I don't even know what to think or feel any more. I am just at such a lost. My thoughts are seriously all over the place. My life is so fucking messed up right now, I can't even..

I skipped school 4 times this week. That's 4 out of 5 classes! Okay technically 3 because I partial class for one of them and fully skipped 3. But to me, partial is the same as skipping because I'm gonna get sucky grades and I didn't learn anything and I wasn't present in class so yup. That's a 4. I don't even know what's wrong with me. This is affecting me so much. I have never liked skipping classes but it's all I ever wanna do these days. Really unexpected. I don't even understand love. How can I even think that I was in love? What a fool.

But I'm thankful for the friends who have given me the laughters these past few days and who cares to listen and help me out. I'm grateful for them to even be around. Especially my best girl who's been there for me right from the start, I can't thank her enough :')

Ini semua sudah tentu hanyalah cobaan daripada Allah SWT untuk menguji kesabaranku pada bulan Ramadhan ini. Insya'Allah aku akan atasi semua ini dan Allah SWT akan memberiku cukup kekuatan untuk mengahadapi segala cobaanNya. Amin Ya'Rabbi Al'Amin.

The most important person in my life.

Today I wasted my day away yet I loved it.

My bestest decided to spend the day with me to make me feel better, so we skipped school.
Despite it being a day that my HIS UT2 falls on, I couldn't care less about school. Why? I'm facing too much stress right now and I'm an emotional wreck. I was going to screw up the practical exam anyways, so fuck it.

Wore quite a lot of concealer and geeks to cover up my swollen eyes from last night.

Mac breakfast, took our MCs from choa chu kang's polyclinic, collected her pay cheques from McPherson Road, Mac for early dinner, all the heart to heart talk the whole day. Yeap, sums up my awesome day spent with my best girl.

Guess all I need right now is some space. Time away from all these shit going on in my oh so complicated love life. All I need right now are distractions, laughters, anything to get my mind off these.

I still need to face this sooner or later because I have to solve this. I need to come to a decision.

Exactly a year ago, same thing. Was an emotional wreck because I got my heart broken for putting too much hope on Nas. And now, Ka and Min...
Ya Allah, adakah ini semua cobaan darimu untuk mencabar kesabaranku pada bulan Ramadhan ini?

Realised Ka could have been my rebound because if I recall correctly, I was not over Nas when Ka was contacting me.. And then I just went with the flow. Until Min came along..
Realised that if I really loved Ka, I wouldn't have fallen for Min..
Realised what a two faced douche Ka is..
Realised that I am not me when I'm with Ka..
Came to so many realisations today, I can't even..

I thank Allah for giving me friends who care enough to ask, and for giving me Nurul Amirah Binte Ahmad who is always here for me no matter what. She was here when I was at my lowest last year, and yet again she was here for me right now. I cannot thank her enough for everything, I love her so much for all that she has done for me.

I am not strong enough to face all these. Ya Allah, please give me strength and guide me through this.

I shall distance myself from both Ka and Min for now, let's just see how things go.. Good luck to me *shrugs*

Bestfriend VS Boyfriend

I have a boyfriend whom I love. Yet I also have a bestfriend whom I love.

Meeting ka has been one of the best things when we were dating. However somehow things got boring once we became official. It's like he doesn't do things that makes me feel extra special and loved everyday like he used to. The long text messages, the long calls at night, the surprising me under my block things, the many dates we had, the msn conversations and the webcamming sessions... Seemed to have all faded away. Now, it's just simple things day in and day out. Nothing special. Fights and arguments here and there. Doubting him at times, even. Sometimes I just can't seem to trust his words, I don't even know why. Of course occasionally he whips up some random things like buying me chocolates (which sometimes I don't even like but don't have the heart to say so), treating me to movies/meals, and flowers... But it's just, I feel like he's not making any more effort. Well, not as much as before. It's like what they say, something about once they've gotten the girl or something? Yeah whatever that is, something like that. It's like, he doesn't need to impress me or chase me any more since he has already gotten me, so he stopped doing all those that made me fell in the first place. Now it's just plain boring somehow.

On another note.....

Meeting min has also been one of the best things that has happened to me. He has always been there for me, he is the one that I tell my problems to. He knows me best. When I'm not feeling ok, even without me tweeting it he is aware. He notice every single thing about me. He even blames ka for quite a number of things that happened to me because he said ka didn't observe me enough to notice the little things or something like that even when I was fully at fault in those situations. He is too damn sweet to me. He sends me good morning and good night texts, he sometimes randomly rings me up just to hear my voice, he comes down to gombak at times, he ditches plans for me, he treats me to movies/meals, he always lets me sleep on his shoulder before/after work, he made me breakfast, he buys stuffs for me at times, and he just has really random yet really sweet surprises for me. He was really cheeky with me and he was just so cute. He would be all romantic with me even when it's wrong. When I wanted to go to batam, he bought me a carebear keychain and made me breakfast and wanted to fetch me from my block and send me to harbourfront but didn't cause mama sent me... That was just too sweet. And many of his thoughts are very sweet as well. He is such a gentleman and he treats me right like a man should. What happened between us these days have just made me miss him more. He is backing off from my life just to see me happy with ka. He doesn't understand that I need him, my bestfriend, to be here for me. He says that I don't need him at all and that I don't miss him, he doesn't believe me. But I do. Despite his feelings for me, he can still be by my side when I need him, can't he? I mean, he's been there all the time. Now who am I to run to with my problems?

Now ka is saying that he doesn't like my friendship with min, does he have no idea how important min is to me? I really can't lose him.

This is best girl's thought:
"I think right, min is like awesome ah and he really treats you right like hw a guy is supposed to treat his girlfriend. And hamka... You guys do stuff together and you make memories and i think you love the both of them bt you liked hamka first. and if hamka had treat you right, i bet you wouldnt have been feeling like this. so its hamka's fault, that he left you vulnerable to min's charms haha"

Here's the thing.
When I'm with min, I forget the world and have loads of fun and I'm fully myself around him. But I feel bad and I miss ka. But when I'm with ka, I keep thinking of min like I wish it was min sometimes.. I guess ami's right. Maybe if I had met min before I met ka, everything would be different. Maybe me and ka might not even happen at all. Sometimes I think about leaving ka because being with min seems better for me. The way min cares for me, the way min loves me, the way min thinks about me.. I mean, how would you feel if your boyfriend backstabs you? If he tells all his friends bad things about you and make them all think negatively about you and hate you when you did nothing? Yeah, sucks right? Exactly what ka did to me...... I can't even. This is why I still don't fully trust him even when we've been dating for like 8 months already. It's really hard when your boyfriend has this kind of attitude and he hides things from you....... Oh well.

I really am at a lost these days and I am very confused about my feelings, I have no idea what I am to do. But I try not to think about it all whenever I'm with ka these days, because I do not want him to worry. I miss min a lot though, been too long since I last met him, what more since I last spent quality time with him :(

I guess I love them both, but who is more important? Not sure. Both are equally as important? Maybe.

Life is unfair, but hey this is life. We just gotta learn to live with it no matter what, don't we all?

Le Sigh

Min: wished me goodluck for my ut, apologized for not texting me the past few days, asked about my ut, asked about my fingers which i cut & burn, asked about me fainting, makes me feel loved, cares for me, always hoping that i'm fine, always missing me, always complimenting me like 238477392732628 times a day sincerely, always there for me to let anything out and he would do anything to meet me as much as possible. 


You: do nothing, don't bother texting me, don't pujuk me when i merajuk, think you're always right and i'm always at fault, gets sympathy from others, bad mouth me (UNEXPECTED), commitments > me, annoying, always hurt me though i keep quiet and pretend all's well. It's almost as if you don't care at all, like min gives more fuck about me all the time. 


I don't know what to do right now, my thoughts are running all over the place. "Maybe you need somebody different, somebody that fits you like a glove..." Oh God, please help me. Please let me see the right path, please open my heart and help me see the truth. Let me know what is best for me. I cannot stand this any longer. Please light up my life and show me. Is he really worth it? Is he really the one for me? Or is this only lust which is only temporary? I need to know, I need to save myself from this constant misery.

Second ♥

5th may, our second :')
had an awesome nice day spent with baby, brought this jakun boy to sentosa for the first time. how cute ^.^
basically, i enjoyed it. hope he did too!
got him a wallet from some skate shop which costed me a bomb!!!!! hope he loves it. this is the most i've spent on a guy, he must be special. chey hehehehehe ;)
i fell in love all over again, teehee :*

4th may, was nice too.
rushed off after school! met min and he accompanied me to get baby's gift at town. we then met syamil and qing yang at novena for dinner at texas chicken! after that we slacked around and headed back to woodlands. met rudi there, slacked around, and we went home at around 10? yeah. and min carried my bag from the time we met all the way til the time we parted, how sweet :')

fuze welcome tea party & storm welcome tea party were a success! totally enjoyed them both :') hope everyone did too! xx

and a happy 18th to wen liang! :')

Bestfriend

Muhaimin has been super duper sweet to me these days! Too sweet it gets a little cheeky of him hahaha. Nice to know that I'm actually ranked the second most important person in his life right now and that i mean a lot to him. He never fails to cheer me up when i'm down, be my listening ear and advices me as and when he can, he always compliments me at the right time and he is just such a caring & good friend to me. I really am grateful to have met him and get the chance to know him well, because he is really there for me. It's like, i know i can count on him. He knows me inside out and he treats me well, despite only knowing each other for a few months! This morning, he made me breakfast (chocolate mint pancakes with nutella, which was his first attempt) and he walked me all the way to school :') Love this boy please! <3

Let's catch up!

vas sapnin, been a month.
sorry, been too busy during the holidays.

i was having so many things! camps + fop + outings + work, i was out almost everyday with barely enough rest! school has started, first week of school has gone by. not bad, i guess. *shrugs* shall do my best to perform well this semester and improve my GPA because i need to prove mama wrong.

this holiday, i've been learning how to shut my mouth. i'm practicing how to keep things to myself. things like my problems and things i find out which i'm not supposed to. these things? yeah, a lot during the holiday. but i'm just bottling it all up. why? simply because i don't wanna trouble anyone anymore, i don't wanna bother people with my issues when they have their own issues to settle. i'm sure i can handle them all by myself. insya'allah. so far so good, alhamdulillah. i've successfully gone by keeping my god damn mouth shut. i know how annoying i can be because i always rant and complain and tell people my problems no matter who they are, but not anymore.

i found out some things which i can't let it out because if i do, i'm afraid a fight might break out between us. i definitely do not want that to happen because i know how sensitive he can be. sometimes he is very unreasonable though, but i try to keep them to myself and not get mad at him when he hurt me. usually i just pretend like it's all okay. apparently that's what he does too. *shrugs* oh well. love him still.

i'm very involved right now and i'm pretty filled with my commitments. thus i'm not having much free time for myself and for anymore outings currently, but i'm dying for many. le sigh.

this semester, my classmates vary for every module. it sucks because it'll be hard to bond when we all meet about only once a week. but then again i guess it's alright since we're all from the same course. grooming for every h module is really strict and i hate it, ugh. but i have to go through with it, i have to sacrifice. i want to do well this semester and i will. insya'allah.

so i guess that sums up everything? i'll update again when i have the time to do so. much love! xx

Birthday boy + emo nemo little me

Meet my family! Hah anyways....

A very happy 43rd birthday to Herman Bin Jamil. Chey hahaha, well. I bought a small durian cake after ze meeting at school for a mini celebration at night and we successfully managed to surprise papa when he came home :') It was just me and mama though because adik came home late.

I still remember that tragic accident papa got into. I was only 14 then. It was on the news and papa's car was literally cut into half! Papa was SO CLOSE to dying. The thought of it still scares me. I cannot imagine life without papa. Papa means everything. He is the only one working so hard to earn all the money for our family. If papa's gone..... Then, our life would be so very different. It would be hard, really tough. With me and adik still schooling, we'd have to think of the expensive school fees and spendings. The house and all the bills. Daily meals. Shopping. Everything would change. Nothing would be the same. Instead of an average girl, I might have financial problems and what not. Every day I thank God that He did not take papa's life. Syukur Alhamdullilah that papa is still around, right here right now. I don't know what would be of us without papa. I love papa very much <3 He is the best in the world. Despite whatever he says/does, I know he means the best. No matter what, I will always love papa :')

Thinking about papa in this scenario reminds me of Alif's late dad. I really feel so bad. Alif, being my boyfriend at the time, never mentioned to me about his dad's cancer. And me, being stupid and paranoid and all those freaking shit, I broke up with him because of so many idiotic reasons. Little did I know, I left him when he needed me the most. I'm such an asshole. It took his bestfriend to inform me and by then it was all too late. All I could do was give my condolences and I gave him $20 out of my own pathetic pocket money. It was worth it, although I then didn't have money to eat for the whole week. I really pity him.

You know, I think I'm such a bitch. He did so many things for me yet I never saw it. I chose to ignore all the things he did for me. Many questioned our relationship, but now I do too. Right now, I wonder if I really loved him. I know he did. To think about it, I can recall the way he looked at me, the way he said he loved me, the way he treated me. I should have known better. I let myself listen to what my friend said to me instead of listening to my heart and seeing it with my own eyes. I let a friend of mine brainwash me into thinking so many negative thoughts about him which made me question his love for me.

Little did I know, that friend wasn't a friend. How was I to know that she was in love with my boyfriend? My very own best friend at that point of time. Oh God, the things she did to me. She let her jealousy get in the way of our friendship and she broke me all the way down. She made all my friends turn their backs on me. She made everyone hate me. She made it seem like I'm such a bad person. Until now, I really have no idea what are the rumours she spread about me.

Well, I could go on forever when it comes to the topic of Alif and Nora. This story is one that goes a long way. I should stop before I start getting too emotional right now. But hey, at least now we're all good. We've all forgiven each other, we're all friends, and we don't speak of our past anymore. Guess we're all just trying our best to forget about all that because it hurts. *shrugs*

Le sigh. I haven't talked to Hamka since yesterday. I have no idea why I'm so annoyed by him lately. I think it's my stupid ass period. But well, he's really sensitive. So he's all down and hurt and what not. Actually, this isn't a big deal. I mean, there's nothing I can do if my idiotic pms decides to act up. He could just let me be for now and then everything could be back to normal when my period's done. But no, he had to say that it's unfair to him. I mean, come on! This is me during periods. He has got to learn to live with this. It's not like it's weeks of not talking or something, it's just a day or two. Doesn't hurt, right? Gosh. So he feels that it's unfair to him if I don't talk to him during my period... Then would he rather I talk to him and get pissed at him for nothing because I'm on my period which could potentially lead to arguments/fights? No I don't want that. That is why I chose to not talk to him during this time when I'm all moody and shit. But well, I have no idea what to do now. He still feels miserable and he's still being sensitive. And I'm here like god dude gimme a break! And all of a sudden I'm pissed at him. *jumps off building* I hope we can work things out tmr.

PERIOD'S A FREAKING PAIN IN THE BUM BUM >:( I hate periods! Causing all these stupid hoo haa which is so unnecessary, hmph.